Recording here a conversation I just had with an old friend, for I surely will need to rediscover this lesson.
I feel like there's a break in the clouds of the last few weeks.
excellent! im glad for it
Trying to reflect and process it with this moment of could-it-be clarity.
😀
I have these cycles where I put myself together, as it were, and function in a way. There is rhythm, purpose, ritual, accountability, and so on. However much it comes together varies from time to time. And eventually it falls apart.
mmmm
I've done a lot to arrange my life so that the falling apart doesn't hurt people much. But it still hits me a little differently every time, and I'm coming to see how I make it worse by struggling and fighting it rather than allowing it.
does it get easier each time?
No, it's better and worse, each different.
it helped me to see these kinds of things as inevitable cycles. And even when I fall apart, the other part of the cycle is coming out of that
The extent to which it hurts has a lot to do with how much it makes connection with my shame.
mmm that makes sense to me
Each time it somehow goes far enough, must go far enough, will not stop until it goes far enough, to break my resistance, forces me to surrender somehow.
If I wake up to surrender to it soon enough, it passes more easily.
If I struggle and fight, I crash harder.
It's oddly not about trying harder to sustain or eliminate or otherwise control. It's more like pretending there's something resembling a higher power, an allowing the flow of the universe to take charge.
I must regain the belief, and acceptance of it, that I don't truly control anything.
Which is very odd because soon after, I suddenly feel like I have agency again?
a paradox of existence I think
Somehow, after dropping the egoic control, there's room for the deeper-rooted, authentic direction to pick the reins back up.
"Egoic", including fear-based or insecure.
And the authentic part, that's more like the universe, or that thing people might label as higher consciousness, just doing its work through me.
I don't know how many times I'm going to have to relearn this.
probably a bunch, if i had to guess
I think one of the reasons I want the right community around me, is to have people who understand because they experience it to, and we can help recognize it in each other as we go.
On another note, now my partner has seen a representative cycle.
She has responded gracefully, has not piled on. It's so easy for people to amplify the shame.
I'm really grateful to her, as I was to you, for this grace.
It's really odd to have this dissonance where shame is a reality I'm holding and it's just not in the picture for your partner. And conversely they are holding more love for you than you are able to see because you simply don't comprehend how it's possible when you feel this way about yourself.
yeah
it's a way to learn it