In order that I walk the earth, I must trample the grass. Eating requires the bodies of plants (at least), and breathing and drinking presuppose some share of air and water.
There was a time when I fell into my ideals so earnestly that I realized they implied I had no right to take up space in the universe. It was horrifying and crippling. After suffering, being debilitated even, at this logical conclusion, eventually I put up my hand and pushed back. I leaned into contradiction and yes a little hypocrisy, because my ideals are only models, and if they're telling me I have no right to take up space and exist then something is wrong in my application of logic.
If I'm to feel like I'm entitled to this life I've been given, I need to feel entitled to do so even if it requires leaving a mark or participating in destruction or imperfection. Life, the big capital-L phenomenon of Life, is only a fixed and preservable entity in the abstractions of our limited, centric, and temporal minds. In reality it is a churning cycle of growth, destruction, and renewal. Some conditions and actions destroy it with more certainty, while others tend to conserve it, yes, but if I am to survive I literally must allow some compromise.
I feel somewhat similarly about money. Yes, it is a Maslow's Hammer: we have reductionistically viewed our world and social organization through markets. When Capitalism is not checked by other ideals, it depletes resources and subordinates the human spirit. At the same time, value abstractions and markets are emergent behavior and I'm not sure I want the implications of any system that might completely eradicate them. So I must again allow myself to compromise.
This last one might be the hardest yet to hear. I must love, trust, and coexist with people who do terrible things. Things I point to and know in my bones are wrong: exploitation, oppression, wanton destruction or violence. Even if my state were to split off the country, we would have to make trade and even agree to not invade each other. We are too interconnected not to have a relationship. I must compromise, and I choose a compromise that views every human, even ones my gut labels as terrible, as fully worthy of love and compassion, and walk the walk of my hope for peaceful and cooperative existence.
I still stand with courage for what I think is right, and hold with honesty the highest of standards in front of us. But that standard is an ideal, and it will always lie properly beyond us. I commit to continuous progress towards my anti-isms, though I will never be perfect. Just like I must trample the grass to walk, I must forgive myself as I go. If I do this, I must forgive others too, and the proof of this is in working with them as partners despite everything.
The underlying hard work is in returning, time and again, to treating others as fully capable, in fact innately willing, of setting down their defensive postures, of seeing beyond their fears and egos and separateness, and of experiencing understanding of our common humanity. Trust is an act of faith, and I believe that those who do not bring themselves to practice it condemn themselves to fight.
There is a feature of how we are wired, a byproduct of our empathy, in which one person experiences fear, anger, or some other distrust, and another person perceives it, and reacts with their own form of sense of unsafety. When they view their fates as separate, they end up pitted against one another. This is the root of sides-ism, that sense of "you're on my side or not", or "with me or against me", in-groups and out-groups, and tribal behavior. To address the violence requires addressing its root, which is how we respond to our feelings.
Another feature of how we are wired is that our minds attach, and become attached to, meanings with our feelings. We identify with these meanings and understand attacks upon them to be attacks upon ourselves. In turn, the cognitive act of holding meanings interferes with our bodies' ability to cease experiencing the underlying feelings. For example, a grudge amplifies and prolongs a feeling of anger. And in order to experience the cessation of fear, we must work against everything our evolved defenses are telling us and step back from our interpretations of distrust in others.
I feel that cultivating trust is a calling for me, and I will borrow, practice, and share any tool that works in service if it. Unwinding one's distrust is an art. There are many traditions, as old as humanity. Ones I've heard of include meditation, yoga, therapies, conflict resolution, reconciliation, and the experience of something ineffable and uniting, and I look forward to learning more.
The real work begins within myself and I acknowledge humbly, and with forgiveness, that I have a long road ahead of me with my own surrender to trust. I also acknowledge humbly that my path does not distinguish me from others, that I have no special or dignified position. For I believe that there is no monopoly on spiritual wisdom, and we are all in this together, all fully sacred as fellow humans.
Facing outwards, I acknowledge that I cannot change anyone else, and my words are not intended with the tone of telling you what should be right for you. As I learn time and again, I cannot even force myself to change, no matter how much I tell myself these truths; I can only set up the conditions in which change naturally happens within me. Rather, my words are intended as an offering of a space, and if you find that your space overlaps with mine, then I will gladly meet you in the space in between, where a healthy, enriching relationship lies.
And that is how I'll try to move forward: cultivating peace in myself, and working to model it outwardly. When you are tired of fighting, you are always welcome to stand with me.